In Part 1, I began the discussion between how challenging it can be when our religious upbringing brings shame and embarrassment with our sexual needs and drives.
But, sometimes the decision between religion and our kinks/fetishes collide and choosing one over the other needs to be made.
I need to say something here… stress something here. Making decisions does not always mean one way is right and the other wrong. This really is crucial to know. Just because you choose Religion/Kink/Fetishes does NOT mean that Religion/Kink/Fetishes is wrong… bad… a “sin.” Decisions do not need to be weighed on that judgmental scale.
Please keep that in mind.
While I believe, for many people, both religious and kinky needs can be met (another post, for sure), the reality, in our culture, is most have to pick one over the other.
All of us has a billion decisions to make in our lives, starting when we can actually make one. Some, though, have a lot more weight to them.
I was never taught how to make decisions. In fact, many aspects of my life education was somewhere, nowhere around my brain. I had to go to therapy to catch up on some crucial life skills like how to mourn without collapsing, how to date without having sex in the first hour and, one that covers all of those: making decisions.
So, when I see the fork in the road… for a job choice, a sex partner, for spending a lot of money, I ask myself:
When I am on my deathbed, which would I regret not doing?
(And yes, this is a spin on “When the brain and heart conflict, always go with your brain’s choice.”)
Anyone who has ever had any knowledge of religion knows about prayer. I call it meditation, but you call it what works for you.
If you have a relationship with a Higher Power, pray to them, find a way to ask the questions you have of them. Meditation is inner prayer, looking inside your Self for the answers. I believe these can be equally as informative and powerful, giving you the balance in what you’re looking for.
As I said, we have to make hundreds and hundreds of decisions in our lives, but finding a basis for our beliefs can ground us for a lifetime. When someone makes a commitment to the beliefs… when one turns in one direction… our backs turn on another. This does not mean we cannot turn around again or, for some of us, stand with each side equally present, but generally, for most people, the choice is Either/Or.
When we finally make a choice, we will probably be saying goodbye (at least for awhile) to some things.
- Will we stop attending church?
- Stop looking at porn?
- Stop looking through the classifieds?
- Find peace with our proclivities?
- Say goodbye to a partner who is hateful and cruel?
- Bid farewell to a Mistress who has also been a good friend?
- Set a budget for our kinks and fetishes?
You do not need to make the choice today, or tomorrow, or in 10 years. You choose on your timeline, no one else’s.
Feelings of Loss
Without pain, we would not recognize joy.
No matter which way you turn, there will be loss and, quite possibly, mourning for that loss. Embrace it. Hold it close for awhile, then set the loss free and move forward into the life you have chosen.
From this old lady, let me tell you, life ALWAYS goes in circles… pain/joy/pain/joy/pain/joy. We cannot avoid it. It is built into the system of Life.
You have to promise me, though, that in your mourning, you will not acquire the cloak of shame that comes with these kinds of choices.
No matter what… NO MATTER WHAT… you are perfect and wondrous and beautiful and worthy.
Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. They are lying. Memorize that line above and repeat it as many times a day as you need to to counter those shameful thoughts about yourself.
Feel free to change your mind! It isn’t just a woman’s prerogative, but is ALL of our prerogatives. Hopefully, you won’t make decisions based on feelings of shame, but with conscious consideration of all the options.
Okay, so there is my missive about Religion and Kink. I hope someone finds it helpful.