Anyone who has ever been discovered… or disclosed… that they wear panties, knows there is a darker side.
(And, yes, I am aware this goes far beyond just panties. This encompasses all lingerie, women’s clothes, wigs, make-up, diapers, etc. For the sake of the discussion, I am focusing on panties since they are often the catalyst to being a Sissy or Cross Dresser… or a transwoman.)
Before we begin, remember:
Rejection
From the first time you were caught wearing panties, you most likely, experienced someone’s horror at your actions. Maybe it was your mother or sister. Perhaps your first girlfriend. It is rare that the observer exhibits a positive reaction. That can elicit feelings of shame and embarrassment in you. It’s not all bad if you got a sexual charge out of the experience, but not everyone does. For those that do, it can linger for the rest of their lives, including consuming their fantasies… wearing panties, being discovered, feeling shame and then having an orgasm. Awesome if that is you!
If you were caught by a partner or spouse, the challenges can be even greater. Threats of separation, removing the kids from the home and divorce unless you stopped the “perverted” behavior are common.This can bring great waves of shame (and not the good kind) where you vow to stop wearing panties/lingerie.
Purging
And then you purge.
Perhaps your spouse “helps” clean out your hidden stash of soft and satiny panties. I know many men cry as they purge; it is such an emotional experience.
You hold each item as long as you dare, saying good-bye before putting it into the garbage bag. Or you are so disgusted with yourself, you just grab the clothes in huge handfuls and cram them into the plastic receptacle, promising your partner -and yourself- you will never, Never, NEVER do this again. And at the time, you believe it. Even if you have purged before. Even if you have purged more than once before. Each time, you vow to never repeat this behavior.
You might have been forced into therapy for your “problem.” Or you might have gone on your own, hoping to stop this obsessive behavior. What most find is that therapists are generally accepting of men wearing women’s clothes and will work to help you feel more positive about it instead of trying to get you to quit. Even if you get a therapist that thinks it is a sick behavior (common with religious organizations), you still might not ever be “cured.” (More on this below.)
Rebuilding
Inevitably, the thoughts of wearing panties again creeps into your mind. And fantasies. You thought they were gone, but here they are again. You might find that place of shame again and hover there even as the pressure builds. You can’t believe you are back to feeling your wife’s panties, maybe daring to put them on when she isn’t home. You weigh the risk of getting caught… again… versus fulfilling the growing urge to slide the satin up your legs and onto your cock and ass. You get scared and take them off, but gradually you get more daring and masturbate while wearing them, making sure not to soil the material.
You start feeling that familiar desire to own your own undies and feel immense of regret about all the lovely things you threw away when you Purged. Then you find yourself inside a store, fondling an item. You don’t even know how you got there! It was like you blinked and there you were. In the check-out lane, paying for a dozen things you don’t need… and the precious new panties you crave.
Soon enough, you have a new hidden stash of lingerie that you put on the minute you have the house to yourself. Those feelings of shame have been (for the most part) tamped down as the feelings of euphoria take their place.
Your major stress, of course, is being rediscovered. You try to do everything in your power to not have that happen.
Cycling
This cycle repeats itself over and over again.
Some find peace in divorce when they can finally live alone and wear what they want to in their own home. Some never marry or have partners in the first place to avoid the shame and embarrassment of Coming Out about your fetish. Many remain in their relationships and live another, well-hidden, life in lingerie and/or women’s clothes.
If you find yourself in this Cycle of Buy/Purge with heaping doses of shame and humiliation (not the good kind), I am going to beg you to understand that wanting (craving!) to wear women’s underthings is perfectly normal. I wish I could get all of you in a room so you would know how normal this is. You are not bad. You are not perverted. You are not sick in the head. No matter what anyone says!!!!
Coming Out
I didn’t even touch on Coming Out to your partner/family. That will have to be another post.
For now, I insist you begin to see your fetish as something that is so normal, even though people don’t talk openly about it and those that do try to shame you into regret and self-hate. There are those of us out here who see you as delightful and wondrous people (no matter how you identify).
You are loved and appreciated. Always remember that.
Panties/boyshorts are hot. & sexy!!! Just the soft, satin, silky feel is great against my soft, waxed skin! They are way way way better then guys underwear. I’m starting to buy more boyshorts/panties and want to rid of my boys underwear. They are tight and rough against my skin as well as tight and uncomfortable. No purging from me. I’ve been single all my life because of this. I met 2 girls but they don’t know of my wearing bras/panties/dresses. If I want to take this step further I’ll have to come out of closet. But we do share taste in lotions as I told her I’m interested in that. She said bath & beyond has guy lotions but I’m not into that. Id rather have women’s lotions as they smell Bette and I’ll just put some on for next social outing and tell her that I like it. Honestly and being open is only way.
You already know I love your attitude, Petey! You are so comfortable in your skin and that can help others who struggle. Very, very nice.
Thanks so much for being you!
Wow does that hit home . I have purged twice both times when I was having surgery and did not want anyone to find my stash if I didn’t come out of the hospital. Yes I sometimes feel guilty but I just can’t stop dressing . Same thing with cock I want to stop but I can’t. I must be addicted . Oops did I really say a dick ed ?
Well, I hope, if nothing else you got from this, is that you are NOT “addicted,” but this is a NORMAL variation of the sexual spectrum.
How very difficult that choice to purge when you went in the hospital must have been. I totally forgot about that… and vacations (if the water heater breaks and people have to enter the house, etc.)… situations where you might have to have family or friends or caretakers in the house. How scary.
It breaks my heart to think you have to make these choices at all in the first place! How fucked up of our society to judge people for what they wear under their clothes! It makes zero sense.
Thank you so very much for sharing part of your story. It means so much that you would. Really.
What a wonderful and spot-on analysis this was! Thank you for posting it, Ms Daphne!
Thank you, jemmie! I’m glad I was able to articulate the cycle and emotions in a way that those that experience it can agree with.
Thank you so much for your very kind words.
You have described my life. I am working like crazy to overcome and move on! I know that I can’t wear and stay strong
Ron, I hope if there is anything to hear from what I have said is that the urge, when suppressed, tends to grow stronger with time. I hope you are able to find some peace in your situation.
Sending good thoughts and thanks so much for sharing your experience.
I have yet to be caught but have gone through the purge and rebuild cycle many times. Even without being caught it was the shame of it and risk of being caught. Though I will say in the past five years I’ve only purged once. The purging is much less frequent over time as I’ve accepted that this is who I am.
Great post! ?
It must be exhausting purging and rebuilding. Is it? I am so sorry for the shame… it is such a common feeling and I wish I could wave a magic wand to make it go away. For all of you.
I’m so glad the purging is less as time goes by. That makes me so glad for you… allowing you to relax just a little bit. I hope you have continued success and good feelings.
Thanks so much for sharing your experiences!
I’m a sissy gurly boi who secretly dresses in dresses, and frilly undies. For me, it’s the fact that society has it’s set boy vs girl paradigms that adds to the thrill of cross dressing like the closet queer I identify as being. If it were socially acceptable for men, and women to shop in women’s clothing stores, and boutiques there would be no anticipation, or trepidation about walking into a women’s shop and buying things. It’s the fear of being found out by my family that feeds my desire to do this. Whereas if that fear were not there it may not be exciting at all to dress this way. Fortunately I live alone, and on weekends I can put on my,thong, and maid uniform, prance around dusting, and vacuuming all morning. But what if I answered the door totally forgetting I was dressed en femme? This risk is what draws me to this. Perhaps one day society will change it’s view of how men dress. I wonder if crossdressing would be as alluring if that happened? It is interesting that women can shop in mens stores, and wear men’s coats, and shirts, and this is acceptable. This was a very wonderful article to read Daphne.
Hmmm, Felecia… you sure brought up an interesting point. I really appreciate your open discussion of the titillation of shopping and wearing lingerie. I know there are plenty reading who will totally relate. And your observation that if society removed the stigma, would you even have that urge anymore.
My experience with CDs is a little different. While some Sissies do enjoy the humiliation aspects of going into VS and asking for help, getting measured, etc., most just want to wear the clothes… the desire to wear them in public is great, but it is usually only in private.
I will have to explore more with my CD folks and see if they have the same rush… and if they think it might vanish with societal acceptance. (Which, sadly, doesn’t look like it’s coming any time soon… Caitlyn notwithstanding.)
I really loved your introspection, Felecia. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences with me/us. I really appreciate it.
Not everyone is as understanding as you are Daphne. I purged at times put never completely. I my early sissy days when all i had were g strings that i wore at the gay beach i would purge them & think i wouldn’t go back but i keep going back more & most times further into feminization. The only thing i purge now is phone photos
I am glad you don’t purge your panties!!!
KEEP THOSE ON!