I was in a Dominant and submissive relationship for over 2 decades.
While I am a Femdom Mistress now, I was a lifestyle submissive during that relationship. Here, I will share some of what I’ve learned.

What Is a Dominant and Submissive Relationship?

BDSM… Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and submission, and Sadism and masochism. (Note that the words “submission, masochism, and bottom” will be lower-cased in this essay to remind one of their place in the BDSM hierarchy.)

In a BDSM relationship, there is a Power Exchange. This term represents that neither partner is more important than the other. They are equal, but in different ways. One does not exist without the other. While one might seem to take control of the other, in reality, the other… the submissive… is able to stop the Scene (activity/experience) at any time with their safeword.

This is not, in any way, an abusive relationship. The cornerstone of a BDSM Dominant and submissive relationship is trust. They each trust the other to treat them with care and tenderness. Even in the midst of a painful Scene such as flogging or nipple play, there is an overwhelming level of faith that no one will take advantage of the others’ vulnerabilities and unprotected state… either the Dom/Domme/Top or the submissive/bottom.

Note: Before I begin, I want to say that, even as I discuss roles, they are more fluid than solid. Each relationship lays out their own parameters. No one else needs to judge their personal experiences, needs, or desires. They are theirs alone. What I am sharing are generalizations. If they do not apply to you, toss them aside. If they do, awesome.

What Is the Dominant’s Role?

The Dominant is often thought of as the head of the household. Some liken it to a 1950’s marriage where the man of the house makes all the decisions and the lady of the house follows along without question. While it might be this way in some relationships, it is, in my experience and hundreds of others, not the norm. And that’s not even considering that, especially in our world, it is not the male who leads, but the female.

A Femdom works in tandem with her submissive. From the outside, they would look like they have a typical marriage. One would either have to look closer or know what was going on to recognize the Power Exchange in the D/s relationship.

The Dominant does not do these things because she likes to boss people around (well, that might come into play, too), but because her temperament is stronger and her submissive recognizes this. Maybe she is more organized, is able to see things two or three steps ahead and her strategies work well for the family.

What’s the submissive’s Role?

From first glance, it might look like the submissive gets the short end of the stick.

Perhaps both parties work outside the home, but the submissive is the one who mainly runs the home. He cleans, makes sure meals are gotten, takes care of indoor and outdoor chores. While this sounds reverse sexist, he does not do it because he is told; he does these things because he loves and honors his partner. For the submissive in a Dominant and submissive marriage, it is a joy to do these things for his partner. 

Both the Femdom and the submissive win in these situations. It isn’t either / or… either She runs the world and he follows orders OR he is a wimp and She walks all over him. 

Not at all.

Balance in All Things

What I have written is a sketch outline of a typical BDSM relationship. (Is there such a thing as typical… anything?)

I would love to know your thoughts and experiences. Please comment below. And if you have questions, feel free to ask. They might just create a new blog post of its own!