When I was 18, I had a gay boyfriend. He craved sucking cock and, not knowing how to fulfill that, we went to the local lake downtown and walked around looking for men for him to pleasure. He was very shy, so I was the one who approached the men, asking, “Do you want to get off?” and if they did, they would come with me to where my boyfriend was waiting behind a tree. As my boyfriend unzipped the man’s pants, I sat down right next to them and watched as things unfolded. He would kneel in the grass (or dirt) and pull out a sometimes rigid cock and put it in his mouth, bobbing up and down until the man came, when he would swallow all that cum he offered. Then the man would zip up and go back to his car to, probably, go home to his wife and kids.
This experience… public sex, soliciting (even for no money), unprotected sex and not knowing the person at all… was rife with danger.
And, I know, danger can be an amazing aphrodisiac.
Risk
When one has sex today, there can be serious consequences. Of course, it is less than sexy to talk about, but in the name of true consensuality, we need to discuss it.
I’ve talked to men who have a compulsion for exposing themselves in public. Whether they sit on park benches and open their coats when a lady walks by or sit in their car in their panties while in the high school carpool lane, these behaviors are extremely risky and can have dire consequences if caught. A few of the guys have already been caught, and some arrested (some more than once!) and I’ve encouraged them to please find help with that compulsion. It is simply too risky to continue.
Of course, there is the risk of STDs and HIV/AIDS, especially when having sex with strange men and eating others’ ejaculate. When I talk to you guys who do these things, I ask that you make an INFORMED DECISION to do so. You know what you are getting into and, as long as you do, then go for it! I do encourage every six-month testing as well.
Non-Consensuality
One aspect of public sex is that of bringing in others that have not consented to your exposure scene. By masturbating on the balcony, you never know who is looking out windows. Sure, that’s the buzz you are looking for, but you might really be scaring a child or a woman with a history of sexual abuse. While you might choose to continue the behavior, at least a cursory thought towards others is important.
As a Domme, I am often asked to humiliate men and women. Some really love to be humiliated in public… like pissing in a pair of Depends in Target and hoping they leak, embarrassing them greatly. To me, this is part of the non-consensuality aspect I don’t ascribe to and I won’t send someone to do that sort of thing out in public.
Now, if you need some panties and a bra, sending you to Victoria’s Secret is a totally different thing! The salesgirls are used to you Sissies, but it’s still incredibly embarrassing to ask for help, be measured and to buy the lingerie, isn’t it? (Good!)
The Razor’s Edge
I love anonymous sex. I have sex with strangers at Play and Sex Parties. I never use a condom. (Edited! I do use condoms, but they are not usually my choice to use them.) But, I know the risk and choose to experience the razor’s edge of danger; it turns me on!
We all have to figure out the risk and benefit of potentially dangerous behaviors.
I want this to be a discussion, not a speech. Tell me, even anonymously if you want, how YOU balance that risk of danger versus thrilling behaviors. If you don’t want to put anything here, email me and I will quote you without your name.
I think this is an important topic and really do want to keep talking about it.
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For me it’s not about the second nor gay sex. I’m not gay nor do I have anything against gays. But the thought of you and other mistresses having me go to Victoria’s Secret to buy panties/bras.. To get fitted is hot!!! As well as having me get makeup app also. I’ve done both before and it was a thrill!! I want to do both again and plan on going to as soon as things slow down. There is girl at salon who said she’s willing to put makeup on me. I’m going to wear my bra with yoga pants/boots with unisex sweater. I’m nervous but excited if she sees bra straps under my sweater and scared if she noticed my hard on and if I make mess in my boyshorts. Do you think I should wear this when I get makeup app put on me?
I absolutely DO think you should wear a bra and boy shorts under your clothes when you go get your face done at the salon! If you made your panties all wet, that would be sweet and I better hear about it.
And it is rare that someone who dresses is gay, by the way. So, no worries there.
And I *do* love sending my girls to VS! You’ll have to tell me about it the next time you go.
If she’s willing to put makeup on me do you think she knows I’m a sissy? She has boyfriend so I’m not looking to hook up with her as she told me to bring in picture of what I want done to me. I think Sophia Viagra look is what I want done. Just scared if she sees bra straps under my clothes as well as my hard on too?? I have d cup bra do it will be noticeable pending on sweater I have on I will let you know about this as you will become one more mistress that’s taken control of me. The thing with Victoria’s Secret they don’t have bras my size as I’m 40 size so kohls will be place to go to. Or even soma as they have hot bras as well.
Well, yes… she will think you are a Sissy or a transwoman, one or the other. And who cares?!?!
Do what pleases YOU! If *you* want to learn how to put make-up on, the learn from her. What an opportunity that is that many Sissies and transwomen don’t have available to them. Use your privilege!
And I understand the issue with the bra sizes. I have lots of bigger girls in my life. If you are a 40C, you also might try Lane Bryant.
I look forward to hearing about your experiences!
Your right!!! Who cares to be honest I’m spending to worrying about what others think. As long as I’m not hurting anyone or commiting a crime then it’s all good and she said she wanted to do this to me. If this offended get she wouldn’t have been willing to do this to me. Lane Bryant is great place to buy sexy bras!! I’ve bought knee high/ankle boots at avenue as the have sizes that fit. Ive been going to salon since 2002 so they know me as I know them. It’s the the thought and idea to have her take control of me as I’m helpless in chair and to be honest I hope she sees bra stray and I’ll confess to her that’s always wanted women to do this to me. Once done I could call and get off. I plan on getting off once I get home.
*laughing* I LOVE the thought of you getting off all dressed up!!! Would LOVE to watch/hear it!
And YES! Good on you for stopping worrying. She *did* invite you, didn’t she!
GO! Have a blast! Then tell me every single detail!
Yes she did invite me to do this and I’m going to! I’ll let her have way with me and I will tell you what happened. I’ll try to hide my hard on but if I can’t I can’t. My bra will be noticeable and if she’s says something I’ll tell her that it’s hot fetish and turn on as I like women’s clothes/fashion.
Dear Mistress Daphne,
i must say that i do admire Your uninhibited, free spirited approach to sex. If i were Your real life slave i would certainly want to drink all the juices of Your pleasure. And anyone else’s that You ordered me to.
That being said, i would urge You to please be smart (which i know You are) and safe. An STD could severely limit Your future sexual fun. And it’s not just HIV. There are some very nasty, drug-resistant STD’s going around.
Are the people invited to these parties vetted in any way? Perhaps You might establish a sex club where participants are required to file medical documentation every 6 months. That would be playing at least somewhat safer.
Charlie Sheen should give some pause for thought. How many people did he infect? How many people did they unknowingly infect?
Mistress Daphne, i am very impressed with You as a Person and as a Woman. But PLEASE play safe!
Lust!
jagoff
jagoff:
I have many thoughts rushing through my mind… all of them very positive to what you said. You bring up very good points and it is almost better for YOU to say these things than me. I walk a line (another razor’s edge!) between informative and sexy. It’s important for us girls not to be a downer to you sweet men and women. You depend on us to fulfill fantasies, no matter how kinky and off-the-wall (to the vanilla world) they are. Talking about safe sex can totally harsh a buzz of horniness, so maybe in *this* forum, we can explore it in-depth… and then move on towards the consensual parts.
I have had many incarnations as a woman. I was a midwife for 20+ years, so know STDs and their treatment up close and personal. I was also an HIV/STD Counselor working under a CDC Grant at one time. And I worked at Planned Parenthood as an HIV/AIDS Counselor, too. I am very, VERY clear what can happen with unprotected sex. I am, however, very grateful for your kind and gentle reminders.
Dialogue is crucial… and must be on-going. I really do say *something* to my clients who play without protection, but ultimately, it is their decision whether to proceed or not. Just like with me and my own body.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for taking the time to reach out and share your really important thoughts. It means so much to me that you trusted me enough to say something that could have been taken a whole lot differently. I admire you so much more for speaking up.
Oh! And one more thing. Condoms are everywhere at the Sex Parties. One may or may not use them as they wish, but know they are given freely, used copiously and NO ONE judges another for using… or NOT using… a condom.
Thought I should throw that in.
Dear Mistress Daphne,
You know, we all take calculated risks every day. It may be something as simple as deciding to continue smoking. Or to punch the accelerator to make a red light. Or to drive home when we know we’ve had too much to drink. Sometimes there are no consequences, other times there might be terrible consequences. i guess the bottom line is that we should be prepared to accept responsibility for our behavior and the potential consequences.
i am not judging You, Mistress. Truth be told, i would have to confess that i am envious of Your kinky lifestyle. i don’t know what i would do if i had the opportunity to live one of my hottest fantasies and it involved unprotected sex with multiple partners. Actually, there’s a pretty good chance i would say, “Thank You, Mistress!” and dive in.
Still, when You say that You never use a condom, i am concerned for Your welfare. Viruses don’t discriminate. They don’t care if You’re a wonderful Woman or a jerk.
You know these parties better than i ever will. i’m sure that You’re discriminating who You play with. i would simply urge You to be careful.
Lust!
jagoff
A small, but crucial, correction.
I have NEVER said I “never use a condom.” I never even implied it.
Just wanted to clarify that point.
Well, actually, those are exactly the words You used in the third to last paragraph of Your post. Which is what raised my concern. Perhaps You didn’t mean to write that and just got carried away in the moment of writing it. But there it is. Respectfully Mistress, i don’t mean to quibble. i didn’t write to argue with You. But that sentence was my entire reason for writing in the first place. my sincere concern for Someone i perceive as a wonderful Woman.
Oh, my!!! You are right! I apologize. Profusely.
You gave me the opportunity to clarify. I do use condoms, but they are rarely my choice to grab one out of the dish.
Thank you for catching my… my… error.
Really. Really.
Thank You so much for such an informative post. i know You have many readers out there who are rather new to the kink scene and don’t have a good understanding of RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) or Safe Sane and Consensual Mantras. i find Rack to be more appropriate for me, especially in a hard core scene, because as You point out, there are risks that must be considered when making an informed decision to play, or not.
i really like Your points on considering the audience You might be influencing with different kinky compulsions and thank You for mentioning that. i guess that is why i prefer to keep my kinks in a dungeon, with other like minded folks.
As for safe sex, i do miss the late 70s and early 80 wen the risk of VD could be cured by a couple shots of Penicillin. 😉 The risks today are so much higher, and i was very lucky back then. i guess that is one of the reasons my idea of “Safe Sex” today is with my beautiful Mistress and Her approved cohorts at LDW. It has been over two and a half years since i last had nonvirtual sex with anyone, and that was with my ex.
i think You know me well enough by now to know how satisfied i am with what i currently have and am so thankful to have You to help stretch my boundaries, and push my limits even more as we eplore uncharted galaxies with my Mistress, and on solo flights.
Thanks again for such a thought provoking and insightful post. 😀
Yes, those were the good ol’ days, weren’t they.
I totally understand only playing in a Dungeon and why many Dungeons are body-fluid protective. The last Dungeon I played in, I bottomed and the Top donned gloves, even just to paddle me and play with my nipples. There was no blood play allowed and certainly no semen or vaginal fluids. So very different than when I started out in bdsm 25 years ago when anything and everything was fair game. I haven’t found a Sex Positive Dungeon here yet, but would love to play in one. I love to make men cum and nudge them towards sex with other men… something not often able to do anymore.
Anyway, thanks for your comments… and bringing back memories that I enjoyed very much!
Dear Mistress Daphne,
No apologies are necessary. Among other things, i am a professional writer. Believe me, i’ve learned the hard way to proof-read my articles at least twice before i push the send button. Mistakes are easy to make when you’re thinking faster than you can type.
i found it shocking that an intelligent, educated Woman such as Yourself would regularly engage in such high risk behavior. i’m relieved for Your sake that You don’t. i’m glad You clarified that.
Also, i’m impressed with Your record of social work. i worked for 14 years for the Illinois Department of Mental Health. i know how demanding social work can be. Judging from what You reveal of Your personality through Your blog i would bet that You were very good at it. Your new career at LDW is an extension of that. You help people feel okay with themselves when religion, society, and ignorant people tell them otherwise. You help people to accept themselves. And that is really important. And a hell of a lot more fun than sitting in a counseling office! Good for You, Mistress!
Lust!
jagoff
For goodness sake, an apology was totally necessary. And I have also been published several times, so should have known to reign in the sex drive for a few minutes while I wrote. And to re-read it. And then re-read it again when you called me on it! It’s important for me to acknowledge when I am wrong… in listening and writing. Thank you for showing me something I needed to see.
Yes, I have done a lot of therapy-type work in my life… and am pretty good at it, if I do say so myself. 🙂 I have several clients that say that our calls are “phone therapy.” not phone sex. Some calls never include an orgasm at all, yet last 2-3 hours at a time. It is a distinct honor to speak with these folks, and yes, I really, REALLY feel I can make a difference in their lives… just like ALL the Mistresses can do.
I do accept the men and women for who they are, letting them know their kink is perfectly normal… contrary to what society crushes them with. Sometimes, we girls are the ONLY ones who believe them, trust them to make their own decisions and to love them (yes, even LOVE them) for who they are as human beings.
Thank you so much for your exchange. I look forward to more dialogue with you.