A common question a Femdom Mistress get is, “What is the difference between a kink and a fetish?” I will address that below.
When this discussion arises, some people start talking about being “vanilla.” Comparing vanilla sex to kinky sex or having a fetish. What does “vanilla“ mean?
Let me answer that first. The term “vanilla” means that a person is neither kinky nor has a fetish. It has taken on a negative connotation, but should not be used pejoratively. Being vanilla is not terrible, bad, or wrong; it is just different… possibly not what you are or do, but still cool.
How to Tell a Kink from a Fetish
Interestingly, you might be kinky and have a fetish or two (or three). Having kinks and fetishes are not mutually exclusive. It’s similar to being a straight guy but loving to suck cock (which is a fetish).
Kinkiness tends to be associated with BDSM… Bondage/bottom, Discipline/Dominance(/Top), Sadism/submission, masochism. I know, could the terms be any more confusing?
Being kinky could mean you use sex toys. If all your friends use sex toys, that might not seem kinky to you at all.
Kink and Fetish Examples
Spanking as a Kink
If we are in our bedroom or at a Play Party and we “need” a spanking for being naughty as a submissive or because we are masochists who enjoy pain, that would be spanking as a kink. It turns us on in context, but not always in our genitals. Much of it is in our minds. When the paddling is only considered in a BDSM scene aspect… not over and over as a fantasy… that would be a kink, not a fetish.
Spanking as a Fetish
A person with a spanking fetish has a sexual response to thinking about or being spanked. They might hyper-focus on the ritual of a spanking even when there is no spanking in the offing. The thoughts or memories of their bottom being spanked turns them on sexually. The play and replay in their minds becomes fodder for masturbation.
“My sitter is going to spank me because I have been a naughty boy.”
“I will bend over her lap, tuck my cock between her knees, and she will give me a good whooping.”
Panties as a Kink
Most people think of panties as a fetish (see below), but they can also be a kink. It might seem like splitting hairs, but hear me out.
If you are a submissive and your Mistress wants to humiliate you, she might tell you to wear panties. This is not something you might have ever done or done only when ordered to. You would never think of wearing panties to work unless ordered to. You would never choose to wear panties on your own, but here you are, wearing panties.
This is panties as a kink.
Panties as a Fetish
When panties becomes a fetish, (usually) men think of panties in a sexual way. It turns them on to think about them, on themselves generally. They seek out panties to hold, smell, lick, or wear… even if that means stealing them out of hampers or women’s bedroom drawers. Thoughts of wearing panties, or wearing them outright, is a major turn-on sexually. They might need to be thought of to have vanilla sex.
What Does It Matter?
In the grand scheme of the world, it does not matter at all. It’s just kind of an interesting conversation piece. However, people do ask this question a lot and I thought it would be good to have a brief overview.
Let me know in the comments if this was helpful and ask any questions you might still have.
Whatever, kink or fetish, have fun with it!
These definitions can be subjective, so be sure to search these terms to get different thoughts and definitions.
Hi Ms Daphne, You are right what defines a kink vs a fetish is a common question and you did well sorting it all out! It can be confusing as it’s highly subjective.
One person might think using a dildo is very mainstream, everyone does it so they don’t consider it a “KINKY” way to play. However another might grasp their pearls, in shock! LOL
In my mind how I keep them “defined” is a Kink is any sexually arousing stimulus that is outside of the mainstream or vanilla sex realm. (lets stick with panties for men) The sexually arousing stimulus can be present or not, and their sexual response to another item or technique is just as sexy and satisfying. to put it simply the Sexual stimulus is optional.
Fetish is a hyper-focused interest in an item or body part that is not typically seen as arousing (think panties for men, or feet) and as you mention it must be present in some form (thinking about it, or playing with it) for the recipient to have a satisfying sexual encounter.
This is such an interesting subject I could talk about it for hours!
What say you , pets? How do you define kink and fetish?
Oooo maybe we can talk on a The Weekly Hot Spot podcast?!?
How fun would that be?!
Love ya, sister!