While I read other Mistress’ posts, not all stand out like this newest one from Princess Andi.
The difference between consensual BDSM and abuse.
In part she says:
“Asking a potential new Dominatrix about past experiences is going to give you a good sense of what they are about. Are they candid and open to the question? I personally find my self reflecting after every scene. I am self-critical and reflective. If you ask someone this question and their answer is negative, all my exes are crazy or they seem to have more bad experiences then better. If they seem to be unaware or have an unwillingness to take accountability for their role in the situation. I would suggest to keep on looking or the very proceed with caution.”
This list from Sir Bamm lays things out in more detail.
D/s or Abuse?
| D/s is about the building of a trusting relationship between two consenting adult partners. | Abuse is about the breach of trust between an authority figure and the person in their care. |
| D/s is about the mutual respect demonstrated between two enlightened people. | Abuse is about the lack of respect that one person demonstrates to another person. |
| D/s is about a shared enjoyment of controlled erotic pain and/or humiliation for mutual pleasure. | Abuse is about a form of out-of-control physical violence and/or personal or emotional degradation of the submissive. |
| D/s is about loving each other completely and without reservation in an alternate way. | Abuse is hurtful. It is also very damaging emotionally and spiritually to the submissive. |
| D/s frees a submissive from the restraints of years of vanilla conditioning to explore a buried part of him/herself. | Abuse binds a submissive to a lonely and solitary life of shame, fear and secrecy… imprisoning his/her very soul. |
| D/s builds self-esteem as a person discovers and embraces their long hidden sexuality. | Abuse shatters and destroys a person’s self-esteem and leaves self-hatred in its place. |
| SM | Abuse |
| An SM scene is a controlled situation. | Abuse is an out-of-control situation. |
| Negotiation occurs before an SM scene to determine what will and will not happen in that scene. | One person determines what will happen. |
| Knowledgeable consent is given to the scene by all parties. | No consent is asked for or given. |
| The bottom has a safeword that allows them to stop the scene at any time they need to for physical or emotional reasons. | The person being abused cannot stop what is happening. |
| Everyone involved in the SM scene is concerned about needs, desires, and limits of others. | No concern is given to the needs, desires, and limits of the abused person. |
| The people in the SM scene are careful to be sure that they are not impaired by alcohol or drug use during the scene. | Alcohol or drugs are often used before an episode of abuse. |
| After an SM scene, the people involved feel good. | After an episode of abuse, the people involved feel bad. |
If you have questions about your own relationship with your Mistress, ask ANY of us if it is normal or not. Do not be afraid to seek an answer outside of your Mistress’ counsel. Any Mistress worth her salt encourages you to find answers wherever you can. I sure do!
Makes sure you share Mistress Andi’s post with others. It is fantastic!
Mistress Daphne,
I am flattered by your response. We feel the same way, it is very important to get out of a relationship BDSM or not, if the relationship is leaving you feeling bad about your self. Abuse can be subtle. I think of it like boiling a frog. A frog doesn’t jump out of a pot of water, when it can and wait’s till it’s to late. The water is boiling. Abuse is like that. Just because one is submissive doesn’t mean the submissive does not have a say in what happens to their body.
I love your post as well. Very informative and very helpful. Thank you again. (((hugs)))
Well, sweet Princess… you started it!
hugging you hard and long
Mistress Andi, and Daphne!
This is a much needed discussion. I applaud you both for talking about this subject. Just because you identify as an Dominant doesn’t give you carte blanche to do as you wish with your submissive. Your role is not only a provider and leader of another but a protector as well. If you don’t feel safe with your Dominant, run don’t walk…….. to the nearest exit.
DO NOT second guess yourself, instead reach out to those who live: Safe, Sane and Consensual. People like us to help you through that difficult transition.
Ms. Erika,
Exactly! LOVE that you are one of the good people.
Much love!
Daphne and Andi!
Yes yes yes all of this! Thank you for bringing up this topic. It is really necessary. Even when I do RACK play the words still mean consent: Risk-Aware Consensual Kink. You can play hard, and even play with few limits, but YES this is all agreed upon before a session. A Mistress must watch for her submissive’s well being before, during and after a scene…maybe even a few days after.
If you are not in a relationship where every single point of these 2 blogs is upheld, you need to leave. Honestly!
Exactly, Ms. Delia… I think the best part of ALL of this discussion you sum up in the last line of your comment… that if it doesn’t FEEL right, it probably is NOT right.
TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS, even if… and more, BECAUSE… you are submissive. Just because a Domme said to do something, does not mean you have to. (Unless you agree to!)
Thank you, Ms. Delia… you are the best!
Thank you, Ms. Daphne!
So many amazing, open, and honest blogs this month. Your readers should take all this GREAT info, and run with it!! Fantastic info, and so perfectly said to keep people SAFE, happy, and enjoying kink!