When I was about 18-years old, I became a Born-Again Christian. I’d already been going to the gay bars for a couple of years, lived with 8 gay men, been indoctrinated at the Glory Holes and had had sex with many men, both gay and straight. I had also slept with a couple of women by that time.
So you can imagine I was dealing with a lot of conflict… there was no such thing as LGBT Churches at the time. At the Church I attended, I was able to confess and be forgiven for many of my previous “sins,” but one glitch kept coming up.
I struggled with masturbation. It felt so fucking good, you know? In my classes, “self-abuse” was discussed a lot and condemned overtly. I was so scared to disclose my struggles with these new friends, so I suffered in silence.
Masturbation & Guilt
If you have been in any organized religion, you most assuredly know this same guilt. I know… because I have been there as well as hearing your stories… that you have spent years… sometimes even decades… bargaining with God so you could stop masturbating.
“I promise I won’t masturbate if you give me <fill in the blank>.”
“Lord, I need you to make me stop touching myself. I implore you!”
Some of you have gone to extremes… socks on your hands, rubber bands on your wrist, smacking your genitals instead of stroking, chastity cages… and then sobbing with shame after you gave in yet again.
Just Some Fucked Up Shit
My heart breaks hearing about the inner turmoil so many of us have endured over the years.
Masturbation is absolutely normal.
I know that fact doesn’t override a lifetime of brainwashing from organized religion and screaming parents, but I hope it plants at least a tiny seed inside you that when you feel horrible about touching your cock or clit, you will know, deep inside, you are not sick or perverted for masturbating.
Salvation?
When I was struggling with this issue, a Minister from very high up in our Church’s national organization came to do a few sermons. I immediately felt he might understand; he was so gentle and kind as he talked about controversial issues… maybe he would have an answer for me.
So, when I sat in front of him (as he was behind the big wooden desk) and I divulged my innermost secret shame, asking what the Church really had to say about masturbation. Was there anything in the Bible about it? (NO!)
The man I had put my faith in (and yes, I know he was only one fallible human being) sat there and told me that men could masturbate because they had urges, but women who masturbated would go to Hell.
Not only was I horrified, but I was also disgusted. It was in that moment that I abandoned Christianity. I walked out of that office, vowing to never feel guilty about masturbation again.
Shaking Off the Shame
I wish I had a magic wand to wave over all of us to make the horrible feelings about masturbation vanish immediately, but alas, I don’t. We each have to deal and cope in our own ways… therapy, self-help books, leaving our religions… and for those of us here, working with LDW’s Mistresses. We are so used to -and comfortable- discussing these issues and, with your consent and desire, have ideas for 1) relieving guilt 2) working with lingering/ongoing masturbation concerns.
You are not alone.
My wish for you is that you are able to find peace with your hand/vibrator/toys and feel the immense pleasure masturbating offers us. It is freeing to not feel those shackles of shame anymore. I only hope you, too, can feel the same freedom.
What a great post! I went to a school run by a religious denomination for 8 years. Not gonna say what denomination, but as a hint, there were nuns teaching there. Every day you got told you were going to hell for something, but I don’t remember them ever talking about sex. I think it made them uncomfortable. I had to find out about sex on my own. I didn’t have horrible feelings of guilt about masturbating because I didn’t even know what it was until I got out from under their influence. It wasn’t until I was in public school, sometime after 9th grade, that I figured out by accident what masturbation even was! I guess I should be happy to know that I wouldn’t have gone to hell for it like the girls would. So I get what you’re saying, and I can completely believe what that idiot said to you. And I wonder what skeletons that guy had in his closet while he was being “Holier than thou”. I found out in later years that at least 3 friends of mine in my class 1 a year behind were being abused by one of the priests during the last couple of years at that school. Is it any wonder that some of us have issues now?
Dearest jemmie,
You have to be the very first person I have ever met/talked to, in all of my 47 years, that didn’t get the Masturbation Sends You to Hell message in that religion. I am fascinated that you did not. Crazy!
I am so, so sad about your friends being abused by the Priests. shaking my head It is repulsive the secrets that religion has hidden for centuries.
All that said, I am so, so glad you did not get that message! How lucky you were. Continue playing with yourself (as instructed by your Mistress, of course) without guilt!
loving hugs
So well written and heartfelt, Ms. Daphne! I really agree with your message of self love and putting an end to shame. So many of our callers have been living with shame of one kind or another and so much of it comes from labels and the need to conform into a rigid idea of what is acceptable and what is not. Often the harshest criticism is self criticism and your blog post is such a positive statement about letting go of guilt!
Why, thank you, Ms. Audrey!! I am so glad you, too, totally know what I am talking about. And you are absolutely right… the guilt our dear callers often feel goes FAR beyond just masturbating, but incorporates the gamut of their kinks & fetishes.
You are also so correct about self-criticism being the harshest… and usually the most difficult to shake. Even when our clients have stepped beyond the shackles of society’s judgments, they can be weighed down, even painfully so, by their own guilt and shame.
Yes! We Mistresses are, I feel, such a wondrous gift to guiding the men & women towards self-acceptance and self-love (beyond masturbating). I have yet to meet/talk to/spend time with any Mistress who isn’t filled with compassion and a desire to help clients find their own self-empowerment. I feel we can be the perfect stepping-stone to a place of peace with every challenge they have suffered with their entire lives.
Thank you so very much, Ms. Audrey, for your comment. Perfect. Just perfect.
Excellent post, Ms Daphne! I love it! It’s one thing to lock up and deny yourself for your own pleasure, but to be made to feel guilty about pleasuring yourself is ridiculous! I went to a religious school and there was so much shame around sex and pleasure. And in many ways the same chauvinistic attitudes towards women’s sexuality versus men’s sexuality were perpetuated. I hope that all the readers of this post will abandon anything or anyone that makes them feel guilty about something so harmless.
Empress Rayne!
Thank you for sharing your experience, too! How crazy is it that SO many of us know this pain (shame!)? Makes my heart hurt for all of us.
And you are absolutely right… chastity by our own choice is totally different than enforced chastity by others, especially when they heap on piles o’ guilt with their requirements.
Right there with you, Mistress!
Masturbation is amazing. Hands down. It may seem silly coming from a Mistress. I mean we ARE naturally biased, right? Well speaking for myself, one of the main reasons I chose to enter the profession of sexual entertainer is the educational aspect of it. I attempt to heal the pain that so many of us suffer unnecessarily at the hands of arbitrary rules and societal impositions. I am more than Mistress. I am also teacher and healer. I am very proud of our contributions to the world-at-large and look forward to continuing that work for many years to come.
Ms. Alexis… you are, most assuredly, a gift to your clients! It warms my heart to see how many other Mistresses feel exactly the same way I do… and that you expressed so beautifully. How often do we say we are “Telephone Therapy?” We are, so often, the ONLY people in our clients’ lives that aren’t making fun of them, telling them how dirty they are and all the other horrible things people seem to feel they need to hurl at another tender-hearted human-being.
Thank you for sharing your fantastic philosophy as a sexual entertainer (perfect name, btw!). I love it and will surely quote you again and again over the years to come. You are a joy!
Incredible post. I love it when you all can be real. It shows that you are not only great at what you do but also great caring people. ❤️
Thank you, lovely Stephanie. I know you read here regularly, so know I am real… but it is so nice to have that recognized. I am glad you liked the post. Thank you for your very kind words. huge smile
Ms. Daphne, OMG this was an amazing post to read!! I did have organized religion in my life growing up until I decided that it wasn’t quite right for me. But, I was raised Jewish and masturbation and guilt are really not connected (at least not in my experience) in the same way as other religions. I guess perhaps I can feel lucky about this as I felt incredibly free sexually growing up. But I do need to say that masturbation is soooooooooooooooooo wonderfully amazing!!! And I would love it if each and every human being could treasure and enjoy his or her own body for ALL of the pleasure that it can possibly bring! 🙂
I am right there with you, Ms. Mandy, about the glories of masturbation! It is awesome and I love how we Mistresses celebrate the joys of self-pleasure (and tease and denial when desired, as well!).
How wonderful you were not raised with the shackles of guilt and sadness when it comes to masturbation. I know your clients surely benefit from your freedoms and how you can pass on those fantastic feelings!
Thanks so much for sharing your experiences… love hearing all about you!
Dear Mistress Daphne, Takes awhile, well along time exactly to overcome Catholic stuff! So i am a recovering Catholic wish there was a 12 step program like there is for alcohol, AA. Thank you, Mistress for sharing your wisdom! Valuable! Healing! Thank you Mistress! love sissyslaveteddy
Well, sissyteddy, there actually are Recovering Catholic groups! I just Googled “Recovering Catholic support” and a hundred results popped up. So if you really do feel you need more help/guidance/companionship with those that totally understand, the help is out there for you!
I am glad my words were helpful to you. Makes me feel so so good for writing the post. Thank you for letting me know your thoughts and experiences.
Dear Mistress Daphne, Now i go to Syracuse zen center! One of the good things about it is the leader of zen ceenter is a Woman Abbott! One day at a time we will get where we are going! sincerly yours sissyslaveteddy
Yes! Any Buddhist Centers are amazing. If I had to choose a religion, it would be Buddhism. I still have issues with it, but it is most aligned to my beliefs. Do you Meditate, sissyteddy? I do Mindfulness Meditation every day.
Thank you so much for letting me know your thoughts!