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Part 1 -Serious Topic Series: Staying Safe With Anonymous Sex

What This Series is About & Who It’s For

I talk to a great number of guys and gals who put out ads to meet people in order to have sex, most often, anonymous. I worry about them and want them safe. (I want YOU safe, too!)

Whether you are a straight cocksucker, closeted gay, a sissy, or transwoman..there are some safety concerns I want to talk about. I am writing this series because I feel compelled to talk about these things on calls but struggle with not wanting to ruin your fantasy with reality. Ms. Delia suggested I write a post instead.

There look to be at least 4 Sections:

  • Devising a Safety Plan to Protect Yourself
  • Physical Risks of Anonymous Sex and How to Get Immediate Help
  • Emotional Healing After Physical/Sexual Assault
  • Sexual Risks of Anonymous Sex and How to Minimize Those Risks

Topics I cover include:

  • Ways to minimize being arrested
  • Ideas for explaining your wounds to your family and friends
  • Strategies for staying safe, physically, sexually and emotionally
  • How to interact with law enforcement and medical personnel
  • A growing list of Resources for all aspects of sexual, physical and emotional health

Know that you have choices about everything! So, take what works for you and leave the rest. This is absolutely NOT a directive you have to follow. Just things and ideas I’ve learned from over 30 years of anonymous sex.

These are heavy topics; you are forewarned.

Devising a Safety Plan

If you are going to have anonymous sex or sexual encounters with people you meet online, I want to offer a few tips that can help you stay safe(r) than if you did not have a Safety Plan in place.

Do not bring the person to your home. No matter what. Do not let them convince you with: “I don’t have money for a hotel,” “I promise, we’ll be fast,” “I’m the Dominant and you have to do what I say.” None of that, or anything else, qualifies as a reason to take a stranger to your home. NEVER bring a “date” to your home.

Do your best to never go to the home of a stranger or someone you have known for a short time.

Go to a hotel! There are many reasons, but one is it is neutral ground. There are also people around if you need help.

Arrange a check-in with someone you trust. If any trusted friends know of your activities, let them know where you are going and what time.

Call them before you go in the room and again, afterward, when you get in the car to let them know you are fine.

Or, you can ask them to call you to make sure everything is cool after a certain amount of time… 30 min? 45? You decide.

Have a benign word or phrase to use as a “Safeword” when they call  if things are not going well and you need help… something like, “Yeah, the news has been bad today,” or “Yeah, my car needs to go in the shop.” Something regular the other person would not recognize as a call for help, but a definite alert for your friend.

If you have no one to tell, make sure you go to a hotel and work out an arrangement with the clerk. Have him knock on the door in an hour, perhaps. Or if you have not checked in with him in a couple of hours, he can knock, and if there is no answer, come in to make sure all is well.

Do not exchange money! The last thing you want is to be arrested for prostitution and have your face on the news. If the date offers money, that is a high alert for the person being a cop. My advice is to leave.

Listen to your instincts! We all know that feeling of doom, that horrible creeping feeling that goes up our spines and sets our hair on end. If you feel like something is wrong, TRUST THAT! If, at any time, you want to leave, LEAVE. You owe no one an explanation. You do not owe them an orgasm. You do not owe them one thing. If you begin and want to stop… for whatever reason (the person is filthy/it isn’t what you thought it would be/you think, “I’m not ready for this!”)… ANY REASON… you have the right to leave. NO MEANS NO for you, too.

While No Means No sounds fabulous, if you are leaving in the middle of sex, the other person might get pissed, so have your exit strategy ready so all you have to do is get out the door. Keep your phone and keys in your pants. Go outside the door naked and put your pants on out there if the person behind you is hollering at you to get back and finish what you started. GET AWAY as fast as you can.

I would say that most anonymous fucking sessions, when interrupted with a person changing their mind, go perfectly fine. But, just have things worked out in your head and IF the situation calls for it, you will be ready.

Resources for Physical and Sexual Assault Help & Healing

Part 2 – Serious Topics Series: Physical Risks of Anonymous Sex

Part 3 – Serious Topic Series: Sex & Sexual Assault

Part 4 – Emotional Healing After Physical/Sexual Assault

10 comments to Part 1 -Serious Topic Series: Staying Safe With Anonymous Sex

  • Goddess Mandy

    OMG, Ms. Daphne…I am SO glad that you are writing this I can’t even tell you!!! As you said, most often things go just fine but every once in a great while they do not! And like you Ms. Daphne, I also implore you all to listen and put in place these safeguards that Ms. Daphne has laid out in this AMAZING post. NO does mean NO AND always always listen to the little voice inside you saying this just doesn’t feel quite right!

    • Thank you so very much, Ms. Mandy! It means so much to have your input and understanding of the topic. Thank you for appreciating it. I hope the rest of the series resonates just as much.

      loving hugs

  • Thank you for this series you’re doing. This is so important and amazing. It’s easy to forget that things can go wrong if you aren’t careful and there should always be a plan in place to keep everyone safe and sane and happy.

    • Ms. Cassidy!

      Thank you SO much for reading this! I am really glad you agree that there needs to be at least a smidge of caution when having anonymous sex. I figure if I lay all the negative out in one fell swoop, then people can read, store it for if they need it, then move on to the FUN of having sex!

      That is my hope, anyway.

      Thank you so much for writing.

  • Ms. Daphne, leave it up to you to offer up a series that holds such great significance. Thank you – and everything Ms. Cassidy and Ms. Mandy said!

    You put right out there the disclaimer that the post deals with “heavy topics” – and they are. They should be attention-grabbing. They should be concerning. …And they NEED to be discussed, before you need the information, not after you wish you’d had it.

    It’s all too easy to get so carried away with excitement that being cautious, reasonable, and smart unintentionally get put on the back burner, but you’re putting these important issues back where they belong and giving everyone reminders that we can all use. Be sure that your series is going to make some people stop tomorrow where they might not have done so today.

    • Oh, Ms. EmmaJane!!!!!! I have tears in my eyes from your words. Everything you say is what I hope for this series.

      As I said to Ms. Cassidy, hopefully the information… as seemingly depressing as it can be… will be read and then set aside, to be used if needed. You are right… good to have BEFORE something happens, than after.

      But, I also wanted to include resources for those who might have had something happen in the past. It is never too late to heal those emotional wounds.

      Thank you so much for adding your great thoughts, too.

      gentle hugs

  • Daphne,

    The ladies are spot on, you are brilliant and we need conversations like this! I was asked once “It is safe to post and ad at XYZ, right Mistress?”

    Which lead to a conversation very similar to what you’ve done here. You can FIND people anywhere, it’s how you vet them and conduct yourself that makes it safe or not. They hadn’t thought of any of what I mentioned, and realized how dangerous her activities could have been. She thanked me greatly for the advice.

    I get how erotic and exciting some of or fantasies are, how they can sometimes take over and help us make really bad decisions for real. One reason why WE ARE HERE! To guide you, help you stay safe while exploring!

    Thank you Ms. Daphne! You’re simply the best!!

    • Ms. Erika! *giant hug*

      I am so glad you were there for the girl who asked you that seemingly simple question. I just knew we Mistresses could not possibly tell every client that calls us all the risks and benefits of Anonymous Sex… so had to write something.

      I didn’t even cover gang bangs, what to do if another person walks in on you and the guy you are with… so many scenarios that just cannot be covered in a short series like this. Thank you for being there for your clients. Really.

      Much love!

  • Sissy April Nicole

    Soooo many people should read this.They get all ready to go and risky stuff after hours and hours of being on internet and forget about real life dangers.

    • sissy aprile nicole,

      Thank you so much for understanding why I put these out… not to ruin the fun, but to give thought to it so nothing untoward happens. Yet, we all know, even when we are at the height of our self-awareness, shit happens and we need an alternate plan. I hope I was able to put some ideas out there for that alternate plan.

      You are awesome. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts.

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